When Going No Contact Doesn’t Bring Peace

The emotional cost of going no contact

I thought going no contact with my close family would bring me peace.
But in reality, it broke me.

When I first went no contact, I was just beginning to realize how toxic things were. I was working with a psychologist, and through that process, I came to understand that one of my parents was a narcissist. Deep down, I think I already knew, but finally naming it let it sink in.

My psychologist supported the idea of going no contact. And my sister had already done it. So, I followed that path after a huge boundary violation. From the parent that was not a narcissist. I still think my reaction was justified. However, I, who expected relief, who expected healing, only felt heartbroken instead. I really did.

I couldn’t talk to family members I dearly loved. I didn’t want to cut ties with them like that. But because one apple was rotten, all of the fruits were starting to rot.

Given the situation and context, my cutting ties with my close family wasn’t really a mistake. However, one thing made me think it was.

Everything changed when one of my parents was in a critical condition and nearly died. My extended family showed up. They were there. For them, but also for me. They protected me when I was in my most vulnerable state. And it changed everything for me. They were there. They showed up. And I remember thinking: I wish I had known this before.

Narcissists will cut you off from your support system. They will make you believe that you are alone in this. But what if you actually aren’t?

Usually, no contact won’t mean you should isolate yourself from your entire family (extended family). However, my narcissist was smart. He made me feel like I was alone since forever. He made me believe I had zero support system. When I cut off my family, I had almost nothing left to lean on. It was very sad. And some people are truly alone in it. But don’t let the isolation fool you. In my case, I had support. I was just convinced that I was completely alone. But I actually wasn’t, and maybe you are too.

Next time someone tells you, “maybe you should go no contact”:

Make sure you actually want to. And even if halfway you decide you can’t do it anymore, it’s also OK. Don’t beat yourself up. This is messy, and there is no ideal situation in cases like that. It is painful anyway.

Make sure that you don’t cut off people you can stay in contact with. Try to see if they can understand and support you. It’s tricky, because if there is a narcissist in the equation, things can be really messy, and even people who are not harmful can be “used” against you. However, in my case, silence was detrimental.

You can also ask yourself the following questions:
Does my extended family truly not care? Would they still ignore me if they actually knew what I’ve been through? Would they support me?

Maybe the voice of the narcissist will appear and tell you that no one cares and that you are alone in this.

But consider this: It can be totally false.

Because maybe, just maybe, they would care. Maybe they love you more than you’ve been led to believe. Maybe they will be right by your side when you’ll need them the most.

It’s a complicated situation. There are no easy answers.
But this is something I felt today, deeply. After losing a dear family member.
And now I can’t get time back.

I regret not breaking the wall of silence before the worst happened.

So don’t let anyone, not a narcissist, therapist, or a well-meaning friend, take away your precious time with the people you do love. The people who do love you back.

Maybe it’s too idealistic of me to say, now that things have unraveled the way they did.
But it’s how I feel right now. And I hope it resonates with someone out there, going through the same thing.

If going no contact feels right for you—do it. By all means. Protect yourself.
But if it feels like you’re forcing it, and it’s only making you more miserable, please listen to that, too.